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Welcome to the 2017-18 New York Islanders Promotional Schedule!

By Danny Radical

**WARNING- this is NOT for the short of attention span.

The New York Islanders are looking forward to a new season, especially after last season's underwhelming start, barely reaching a .500 record in January, and ultimately surging themselves into an end of season lottery finish. And yes, when you have the chance of using a ping pong ball to acquire the first overall pick in the NHL draft, you are a lottery team.

Understand that a team that has missed the playoffs 7 of the past 10 seasons, plays in an arena that is inadequate for watching live hockey, and is on the verge of losing their first "homegrown" star in two decades totally needs to do something to keep a disengaged hipster fan base in Brooklyn- and a clueless millennial fan base on Long Island- to keep coming to the games.

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Wow.

In order to do so, the Islanders have set up specific themed nights just to reach out to these fans. Now, "old school" Islander fans have seen banners raised to the rafters, such as ones celebrating Patrick Division titles, Eastern Conference Championships, Stanley Cup Championships, NHL Hall of Fame Players, Hall of Fame Coaches, and even a Hall of Fame General Manager. After Don Maloney, Mike Milbury, and totally useless Garth Snow, can you even begin to fathom that this team once had a Hall of Fame General Manager?

And for the people who say "Torrey was past his prime after the dynasty and was old and washed up," he organized one of the greatest Islander trades of all time in 1991, and then led the expansion Florida Panthers to their only Stanley Cup appearance in 1996. 3 years after the team came into existence!

Here's a fun fact- USA born hockey player and Long Island resident Pat LaFonatine is the only Islanders draft pick to be in the NHL Hall of Fame yet not have his number retired by the New York Islanders. However, the Buffalo Sabres did him the honors, even though he was a Sabre for only 75% of the time that he was an Islander, and clearly had stats that paled to his time as an Islander. I bet that's foreshadowing something!

Get ready fans- here is a list of this season's upcoming New York Islanders Promotional Nights!

PRESEASON:


September 13: The 4th annual Michael Dal Colle Rookie Game, vs. Philadelphia. Come watch guys who aren't likely to ever play on NHL ice play on NHL ice. Special puck drop by 4 time rookie game alum and competitor Michael Dal Colle, who paid $80 to sponsor the game, and have the Isles notice that he's still here.


September 16: Open Practice, Northwell Health Ice Center at Eisenhower Park, East Meadow NY. Come see the Islanders skate on two different sheets of ice! All fans who attend will be required to buy something at the team store. Also, you may get to see the actual Stanley Cup on display, which is the closest John Tavares will actually come to the Stanley Cup in his Islanders career.


September 17: Sell the Ice at the Coliseum Just to Make Ice at the Coliseum Night, vs. Philadelphia. Islander fans can celebrate the very likely last Islander game ever at the Coliseum by paying $40 to park their car! And just like the end of the 2014-15 season, fans in attendance will get NOTHING.

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Good day sir!


September 20: Military Appreciation Night, vs. Philadelphia. In the Spirit of the American Revolution and the great Independence Hall, one has to ask: Why do the Islanders have to get paid via a government contract to honor Veterans? It's not like there aren't spare seats on a nightly basis. Very classy move, ownership.


REGULAR SEASON:
October 7: We Still Ignore one of our Hall of Famers Night, vs. Buffalo. All fans named Pat in attendance will pay twice.
October 9: My Seats are Better than Yours Night, vs. St. Louis. All fans in attendance will see a car parked in an arena that has better seats than the actual human beings. Well, most fans will see it, if they bought unobstructed view seats. Sponsored by Skynet.

October 21: "Nabby" Night, vs San Jose. In honor of Evgeni Nabokov, who begrudgingly reported to the Islanders only to steal away the starting goalie job from a guy in year 5 of a 15 year contract. Garth Snow- the brilliant general manager who offered that 15 year deal- drops a ceremonial turd on the ice. All fans in attendance get to pay for the Rick DiPietro buyout, which runs through 2029. Ladies will get a special leather choker with the word "Playoffs" embroidered on it. Stan Fischler will snort Viagra.

October 24: We Always Sell Two Night, vs. Arizona. Hey, remember when Charles Wang sold the Islanders to Andrew Barroway, only to sell them again a few weeks later to Jonathan Ledecky and Scott Malkin? Ceremonial puck will be dropped by Deep Roy. Twice. Because he always carries two.

Aaron. Amazing.

October 30: Give an Expansion Team it's First NHL win, vs. the Las Vegas Knights. Yes, their team name is a tourism pitch for their city, but the Islanders have a rich history for giving up first goals, first wins, first 5 picks in a draft to other teams, etc. All fans in attendance will feel shame.

November 5: Uwe Krupp and Andrys Myrvold Cup Night, vs. Colorado. Both of the Islanders Defensemen won a Stanley Cup in Colorado, but not with the Islanders. Fans in attendance will get a reminder that the defensemen on this team that do well usually come from other organizations. Special puck drop ceremony with Nick Leddy, Johnny Boychuk, Thomas Hickey, and Dennis Seidenberg.

4 were from other teams. Point.

November 7: We Won the Griffin Reinhart Trade Night, vs. Edmonton. All fans in attendance will get a extra large take away mug of Kool Aid. Refills of Kool Aid $1 extra. Oh yeah!

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November 16: Here's to Your Future Night, vs. Carolina. Did you know Carolina won a cup after leaving Hartford, a small market? No, we didn't win a Cup leaving small market Uniondale for major city Brooklyn, but our next move? Watch out! Fans 18 and over will get a replica Stanley Cup butt plug. Special bonus- Charles Wang sitting in the vestibule of Atlantic Terminal screaming "IT'S YOUR FAULT!" at all commuters.

November 22: The Night Before Thanksgiving Game, vs. the Flyers. All fans in attendance get a turkey to hand to the violent bums and losers lingering outside of the Barclays for after the game. Including the Flyers.

November 28: Mats Lindgren Night, vs Vancouver. Sponsored by Zwanger Persiri. Remember when this first round draft pick taken 15th overall was supposed to be a difference maker for the Islanders? Then he wasn't? And he was injured every year? Sound familiar? All fans in attendance will get an MRI.

December 1: Losers Night vs. Ottawa. Remember that decade plus between 1995 and 2008 where we couldn't win a game vs. Ottawa? Ha, not true- we won 9 out of 56 games in those 13 years, and hey, we stole their best player for only a future hall of Fame defenseman and a still to this day prominent top line center. But we did get to unload Bill Muckalt. Muckalt scored only 5 goals in the two seasons after he was traded, so we totally won that deal. Plus, we aren't even paying for Alexei Yashin anymore. All thirsty fans will pay 2008 Coliseum prices for beer- just $1 an ounce for Budweiser!

Whats that stank?

December 11: Blackout Night vs. Washington will celebrate the 2014-15 playoffs, when current head coach Doug Weight set an NHL record for futility for going 0 for 7 games on the power play. A moment of record setting ineptitude that lost the team a close scoring 7 game series. That Islanders team had no power when it mattered. The first 8000 fans get a flashlight with dead batteries.


December 13: Jason Spezza Night vs Dallas. Imagine if we had Jason Spezza as a second center behind John Tavares for the past 7 years? All fans in attendance will get a copy of "The Wishing Tree" by Shel Silverstein.
** Actual promotion for December 13 is Jewish Heritage Night, where groups of 10 or more Jewish fans will get a scarf. Because nothing makes less sense during a surge of fascism and white supremacy in this nation than a way to label groups of Jews for immediate identification. And no, I'm not making that up.

December 16: "Rob" Night Vs. Los Angeles. No one is allowed to read any quotes from Drew Doughty before the game. Free Kool Aid, sponsored by Kool Aid. Also, China hacks all recent comments about leaving the team that made you a top pick as a free agent if they lose too many games. Thanks, Neulion! The first 1991 fans get a replica John Tonelli LA Kings t-shirt. There WILL be leftovers.

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Rob....

December 19: Chris Osgood Night vs. Detroit. Chris Osgood is likely the only Islander that won Stanley Cups before and after playing for the Islanders with his original draft team, the Red Wings. He also pulled the Islanders out of an 8 year playoff drought and brought immediate credibility to the position of goal, which the year before was manned by John Vanbiesbrouck, Wade Flaherty, Chris Terreri, and Rick DiPietro. Christ. To commemorate the achievements of Chris, all fans will be able to run at full speed and dive into his knees as two Islanders defensemen alumni watch.

December 21: Scout Night, vs. Anaheim. No, we're not honoring the Boys and Girls Scouts. We're looking for fans to do some scouting for us, since we employ just about the fewest scouts in the NHL. Fans over 18 get a cheap pair of binoculars and an index card. Bring your own pencil. Anyone bringing a tent can spend the night, as long as they pay rent.


December 23: Uniondale Night vs. Winnipeg. Can you believe a city lost a team, only to collect someone elses' failing team and bring them "home?" There's hope, Long Island. All fans from Uniondale will have to buy tickets. All fans from Denver can relate.

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WTF is that?

December 27: Who's Playing? Night, vs. Buffalo. This game celebrates the point in the season where fans are fed up with angled views of the arena, or obstructed views, or a misplaced scoreboard, and decide not to renew season tickets for the following season. Brought to you by that company that sells those old school X Ray Specs. Al fans in attendance get to watch the game. Kinda.

January 2: Tim Thomas Night, vs. Boston. The Islanders celebrate the acquisition of Stanley Cup Champion goalie Tim Thomas. All fans wearing caps are allowed to keep them on as long as they keep them below the ceiling; every fan gets a "Thanks, Obama" poster.

January 5: The Future was 3 Years Ago Night, vs. Pittsburgh. The first 73 fans in attendance will get a set of hockey cards detailing what top draft picks and trade targets like Sebastian Collberg, Corey Trivino, Kiril Kabanov, Kiril Petrov, Miko Koskinnen, Alexandre Mallet, and Cody Rosen are up to. Guest MC Ty Wishart will host the occasion, and then will return to his regular job at the Nathans concession stand after the first period.

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Keep that tongue in your own mouth, buddy!

January 7: Brian Strait Night, vs. the Devils. It's the homecoming night that everyone is amped up for! Brian Strait was a cornerstone of the Islanders defense from 2012-2016: nearly 10% of the teams history! Strait was famous for playing in 17 NHL games over 3 years for 2 other NHL organizations before impacting the Island with 170 games of Potvin-esque talent. To celebrate this event, Ryan Pulock, Adam Pelech and Scott Mayfield will be sent to Bridgeport. And the first 1990 fans get a commemorative orange road cone! We bought 2000 but had to minus ten, just like Brian.

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Strait!


January 16: Islander Cup Winners Night, vs. New Jersey. This event celebrates some of the Islanders players who won a cup...after leaving the Islanders. Attending will be Jon Sim and Benoit Hogue (Dallas 1999), Vladimir Malokov (2000 New Jersey), Bill Guerin (2009 Pittsburgh), Zdeno Chara (2011 Boston), and Mark Streit (2017 Pittsburgh). Fans in attendance can watch them all skate around the arena ice and live vicariously through their fanbases, and vomit profusely. Special guest Jason Clark will drop the puck. Who? Exactly. Clark was the draft pick the Isles got for Guerin, and has been out of hockey for 3 years.


January 18: CBA Night, sponsored by the NHLPA, vs. Boston. A night celebrating the changing of the CBA to create a salary cap floor, to remove bonuses to reach the cap floor, and the removal of contract terms of longer than 8 years- all circumventions that were creations of the New York Islanders. Ceremonial pregame Shaking of the Head by Donald Fehr. Tim Thomas was supposed to come and sign autographs, but has yet to confirm attending.

January 30: Second Chance GM Night, vs. Florida. Sure Torrey lost in Stanley Cup finals in 1984 and 1996. So is there a team that wants a GM to lose round 2 in 2028? Asking for a friend. Fans in attendance will see Capuano encourage Vincent Trochek to "grind hahd" in the "dirty areahs" to get his 3rd goal of the season.

February 3: Ryan Murray Night vs. Columbus. Remember when Garth Snow offered every pick in the 2012 draft for Ryan Murray? And then Columbus GM Scott Howson said no? And Howson was fired 8 months later? And that 2012 botched trade forced Garth Snow to draft Griffin Reinhart- over players like Morgan Reilly, Hampus Lindholm, Mathew Dumba, Jacob Trouba, Cody Ceci, Olli Maatta, and even Brady Skjei (not to mention forward Filip Forsberg)? And even though that draft was in 2012 there's still nothing on the roster from that draft or trade to help the team right now? And Murray isn't even really that good? Yeah, good times. Fans in attendance...will be underwhelmed.

February 5: Third Time's a Charm Night, vs. Nashville. No, we're not bringing 3 time Cup finalist coach and Cup champion coach Peter Laviolette back to Long Island. We're looking at round 3 of Jack Capuano! All fans in attendance will get a bowl of "Gritz," found in the dirty areas of the arena.

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HAHD

February 9: 25? In a row? Really? Night, vs. Detroit. Man, making the playoffs is tough stuff. Only 55% of the league manages to do it annually. After twice in a row, we didn't want to be greedy and keep anyone else out, as we took some time off. But not Detroit! They made the playoffs for a straight quarter century, and managed a few Stanley Cup wins in the process. So selfih. First 10,000 fans will get a pamphlet "Remember when Jim Devellano worked for us?"

February 11: Crackhead Theo Night, vs. Calgary. Sure, he wasn't a crackhead in the 80's, and clearly there wasn't crack in Calgary in 1988, but I know the guy who created that chant (me with many witnesses), and lets face it, it was the last time the Islanders Rangers Rivalry had passion, so the Islanders will honor "Crackhead Theo" and his contributions to the rivalry. The first 7000 fans will get a map to a crack house about 6 blocks from the Barclays. Special video tribute to Travis Hamonic, who asked for a trade and wasn't given one, then rescinded the request and was traded.

$50 million??

February 13: Look at that Fat Guy Night, vs Columbus. Did you know that the Blue Jackets has a fat guy that dances and paints funny stuff on his body? Remember when the Islanders- pre Chairman Wang- allowed fans to make spontaneous displays of passion for their own team? Anyway, at least someone is doing it right. After the game, all fans in attendance can go eat carbs out of the fucking dumpsters outside the Barclays.

I LOVE this guy!!

February 15: How Does a Team with 13 Less First Round Draft Picks in the last 7 Years Stay More Relevant Than Us? Night vs. the Rangers. Fans Will Receive a Win, which doesn't bother Ranger fans anymore because they no longer see a team that was so irrelevant for so long as rivals. Besides, 4 Cups to one isn't a great rivalry anyway if you're a Rangers fan.

February 19: Can We have Those Guys Back? Night, vs. Minnesota. The Islanders honor cornerstone lottery draft pick Nino Niederreiter as well as the most productive offensive defenseman drafted by Garth Snow- Jared Spurgeon. All fans in attendance will get a fidget spinner complete with pictures of the faces of Cal Clutterbuck, Matthew Barzal, and Josh Bailey, because it's more useful than a Garth Snow Islanders draft pick.


March 2: Kirk Muller Night, vs. Montreal. All fans in attendance get to shit on the floor and kick it around.

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Fuck you.


Monday, March 12: Josh Bailey Appreciation Night. Much like Bailey has done for the last ten years, the team isn't playing that night.

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Those were the days!

March 15: Lack of Awareness Night, vs. Washington. Remember in the recent past where Garth Snow's "Plan A" to improve the Islanders included trading for and/or giving outrageous offers to Christian Ehrhoff, Dan Boyle, Matt Moulson, Thomas Vanek, Frans Neilsen, and Andrew MacDonald- but NOT Steven Stamkos? All of those guys- except Stamkos, who never received an offer from the Islanders- told Garth Snow to suck it. None of these honorees will be in attendance either on the roster, in attendance, on Washington, and in some cases, won't even be in the NHL. Which goes to show that Garth really knows how to keep a tight grip on the budget! Fans in attendance will get another unfulfilling July.

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Fuck you too.

March 18: 2006 Carolina Hurricanes Stanley Cup Night, vs. Carolina. The New York Islanders honor the Islander alumni that played for the 2006 Carolina Hurricanes- Andrew Ladd, Doug Weight, and Josef Vasicek. 12 years later, one coaches the team, one plays for the team, and one's career ended horribly in Russia. All fans in attendance will get a leftover signed Islanders coach Peter LaViolette photo, and a flight insurance policy.

March 20: Hail Satan! Night, vs. Pittsburgh. Aside of Bill Guerin, Miroslav Satan also won a cup with the 2009 Penguins. Satan was a player on the team Garth Snow inherited from Mike Milbury that Snow let walk away. Clearly, neither Mike Milbury and Neil Smith didn't acquire any talent that Snow could work with, despite Snow's first Islanders team having a 40 goal scorer, 4 guys scoring 20 or more goals, one guy getting 18 in 58 games, a legitimate head coach, and the team making the playoffs. The cupboards were empty! All 16 fans in attendance get a replica dark altar and a plush animal to sacrifice, sponsored by North Shore Animal League.

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Hail! But not hall.

March 22: Ruslan Fedotenko Night: The Islanders will retire the number of Ruslan "the Tank" Fedotenko. Fedotenko wore the number 26, which is a slightly higher number than the number of playoff games the Islanders have played in during the Garth Snow era. Hey, close enough!

March 24: Thank you Chicago Night: Some special players get second (or third) thank you when the Islanders face Chicago, as Andrew Ladd, Nick Leddy and Brent Sopel get recognition for being champions, without asking the question "Why can't you do the same as Islanders?" Nick Leddy, the Islander who has most recently touched the Stanley Cup, gets to drop the ceremonial puck. Fans in attendance will get the finger.
March 26: 100 Point Night, vs. Florida. The Islanders will hang a banner for their 100 point inaugural season in Brooklyn, which clearly equals the achievements of the dynasty years. The banner will read "We tried REALLY hard!" And hey, they broke a 23 year playoff win drought- world beaters! Fans in attendance will get to shake Mike Milbury's hand, because he traded Roberto Luongo to Florida all those years ago.

March 30: What If Night, vs. Toronto: What if you drafted well for a few years in a row, add in a first overall, and then made timely free agent signings and trades? Islander fans will never know. As Islander fans see a rebuild enter year 10, Toronto fans are seeing a rebuild take 2 years. All fans in attendance will get a crying towel, sponsored by the "Tavares to Toronto" wing of the Pension Plan Puppets.

April 3: 101 Point Night, vs. Flyers. The Isles will celebrate their 101 point season in the last season at the Nassau Coliseum with a banner that says "101," hanging right next to Al Arbours' "1500" and "740" banners. Flyers fans in attendance will be requested to chant "Twenty Fifteen!" to give proper respect to this major, major Islanders accomplishment.

April 5: Chad Pennington Night, vs. the Rangers. Celebrating Chad Pennington, who dropped a puck before an Islanders-Rangers game on January 21, 2003 at the Coliseum. Did you know that Chad Pennington has more playoff round wins with the New York Jets than Snow has in 11 years as GM with the Islanders? All fans in attendance will get a crying towel, just before they hear that statistic.

Well folks, with a promotional lineup like that, I bet you can't wait for the season to get started! And if you expect this team to be vastly improved over last year, then you clearly attended last season's Kool Aid Night! Because with the same old management, you can expect one thing- more of the same.

* Follow Danny Radical on Twitter here: @JoshBarely