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Episode 11: Revenge of the Simpletauntaun- the Garth Snow Saga Continues

By Danny Radical

October 6 officially made it Episode 11 of whatever buffoonery Islanders fans have had to endure, but I wanted to make a Star Wars themed blog because I like Star Wars, so thats that.

Why a Star Wars theme? Well, aside of being curious if Disney will sue me, I also look at Garth Snow like a combination of the "rule of two" from Star Wars. And no, that's not a fat joke. Yes, he is a fat joke, but that's not the point.

Not familiar with the rule of two? In Star Wars the bad guys- the Sith- work in pairs. A master, and an apprentice. The most famous pairing is Emperor Darth Sidious and his apprentice, Darth Vader.

Snow behaves much like the Emperor in Star Wars. He comes in with a know it all attitude, yet doesn't know it all. He ruins everything he gets around- think of the franchise or a draft as the Republic or the Death Star. Snow builds a Cup contending lineup that has been recently blown up twice in the playoffs with only winning one round- think two Death Stars versus one Alderaan as your results.

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Ah, but Darth Vader is a Sith lord, and he is badass. Ever see the end of Rogue One? A one man Rebel scum wrecking crew. But Garth? True, sounds like Darth. The only thing he wrecks however is the roster. Or his pants. Or the office toilet. Even his name- Garth- sounds like Darth, but something is missing. Just like his other title- General Manager. Sounds like the job other guys do, but something is missing. Talent.

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Garth's Sith ceiling

Snow's Sith title is going to be a work in progress in this article. Let's start with a warm up: Garth Talentless. Garth Buffet-der. Garth Blamer. After all, the media shits on him, too. That he has no idea why people call him a tire fire speaks volumes to his arrogance and cluelessness. Kind of like how Darth Sidious couldn't sense the good in Darth Vader that Luke Skywalker did because they were related and Vader loved his family so he hid that part from the Emperor...I NEED TO STOP!!

5:46 in. Clueless.

Watching Garth Snow annually is like watching the same tired old script being made into sequel after sequel. Like how many times can you make the Clone Wars Movie? Even I'm tired of writing my biannual Garth Snow sucks article. Garth Slothfulness.

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Here's a picture of transactions made by Garth Snow since the Islanders missed the playoffs. I want you to look at the dates and see if you can identify any oddities.

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August? Apparently Garth HamHammock was pleased with his own apparent lack of progress. Or is it indifference? Think about this: three trades for an entire offseason, with one due to the expansion draft. And one to recoup picks lost in the expansion draft trade.

Also, why trade picks away in an expansion draft? Who on this roster outside of Nick Leddy and John Tavares are untouchable?

Former 40 goal scorer James Neal was exposed and claimed. Jonathan Marchessault and his 30 goals were exposed and claimed.

Who did Snow protect? A guy he traded days later. Two guys that were benched for opening night. The two guys he needlessly gave no movement clauses to. Two or three players worth protecting. Imagine playing chess and telling your opponent "Hey, if you take this pawn, I'll give you another pawn and a rook." Because that's how Snow set everything up. Someone must have told him to let the Wookie win.

So aside of the trade to protect Josh Bailey (the Biggs Darklighter of the team) and a trade to remove a bad contract offer at the expense of future development for the team, what deals did Garth Insidious make to improve the team for 2017-2018?

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The "Summer of Garth" involved a whopping ONE NHL player for player trade. For the most part, the Summer of Garth ended June 24. Summer officially starts on June 21.

Now, did other GM's make so few trades affecting their roster all summer? I guess. Maybe. Maybe not. I didn't look it up because I was so stunned by the ineffectiveness of Garth that I was actually paralyzed, like when Poe Dameron was frozen by Kylo Ren on Jakku.

Garth Atrocitus also continues to insult fans mentalities by pissing on them and saying its just raining. Take for instance his brilliant idea of carrying thee goalies into a season. You know, something no other NHL team in the entire league does. Snow not only insisted on the three goalie debacle, but when the most accomplished one complained, he was sent to the American Hockey League to sharpen his game instead of the netminder sieve that was actually bad, which caused the other competent goalie to get overworked.

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Rows 4 and 5, opening night.

Understand that Jaroslav Halak has spent his preseason like John Tavares, playing in the World Cup of Hockey. Because he's really good at hockey. Yet when the season started, Jean Francois Berube was as equally as important. How did this yet another example of why you need to fortify your exhaust ports and reactors better work?

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Snow's vision packed the Coli, too.

After a stint in the AHL, Halak regained his form and ran off a bunch of wins in the NHL. Berube wholly sucked in the NHL, got claimed by an expansion team, who soon after waived him. Great job recognizing talent. Oh, but why bring up that point?

Because of those summer trades. #IslesKoolAid are already claiming a win in the Travis Hamonic for 3 or 4 draft picks trade. The reason? They think Calgary Flames will stink it up, and the Islanders will get an elite draft pick in the 2018 entry draft.

Based on the Isles opening night performance, they may be getting 2.

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Back to that pipe dream of hoping Calgary sucks. Who gets to assess talent and pick that potential top five pick when it's draft day? None other than Garth Ignoramus. At pick 5, he'll pick a player that will either 1) bust (Ryan Strome, Griffin Reinhart) 2) fail (Michael Dal Colle) 3) never materialize for the Islanders (Nino Niedereitter) or 4) trade back in the draft for an unimpressive player who will have better players taken immediately after him in the draft that you may have to trade for in the future (Josh Bailey).

temp-post-imageThe only time Garth Egregiousness used a top 5 pick effectively was when universally heralded first overall John Tavares was available, and Garth had the number one pick. And he still almost picked Matt Duchene. Jesus, he even tried to trade for Matt Duchene. And of course failed. Garth MauledTheOffer.

By the way, that offer? If rumors were true, half of that underwhelming offer was benched opening night.

And yes, in case you overlooked my statement about Michael Dal Colle, drafted 5th overall? I'm afraid that will not be an impact player for the New York Islanders. He's not the forward you're looking for.

That last trade the Islanders made this past summer? Ryan Strome- a top 5 pick- was traded for a guy chosen after Josh Bailey in the 2008 draft- Jordan Eberle. This needs a flow chart of some sort, dating back to last summer.
Garth Snow refused to trade Travis Hamonic to Edmonton for Taylor Hall. This lack of activity was most disturbing. The Islanders struggled to find chemistry on the first line that Hall would have brought, and ended up having a goalie debacle and thinking a career average 33 point scorer will elevate them into the playoffs. Fans underestimated the power of the Garth side.

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Instead, Snow trades Hamonic to recoup draft picks used to remove a bad contract that Snow signed. Then he used a top 5 pick and trade asset- Ryan Strome- to acquire a player almost everyone considers lesser than Hall in Jordan Eberle.


So here's the final tally of the "Summer of Garth" scorecard:
To Islanders: From Islanders:
Eberle vs.Strome
1st round pick vs. 1st round pick
(2) 2nd round picks vs. Hamonic
$6 million in contracts vs.$10 million in contracts

So that looks terrible. Didn't address any real and present needs on defense, which means throwing 3 defensemen into the lineup who have a combined experience of under 100 games. But the saving grace is that the team made a salary cap savings, right? I guess. Since the team currently has less than $3m under cap space available, all of these moves allowed them to field a team under cap for the first game of the season while pretty much sending 54 points out to receive 51 back.

After watching him in an Islanders uniform, you CAN see why Edmonton traded Eberle, but there's no way you can see why they paid him $6 million dollars. And you can't see any reason why Garth GluteusMaximus thought that this was the missing cog to John Tavares' career.

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We know, buddy. We know.

It also leaves less than $3 million available in the salary cap, so I'm afraid that this roster is fully operational. And that no impact trade can happen without losing some of Garth MacAndCheese's precious friends.

Even Garth Horrendodouche's coaching search was ersatz. He announced interim head coach Doug Weight would return as head coach before the season ended. His coaching search was about as long as it took for Jack Capuano to leave Snow's office and for Weight to walk in. As for the rest of the coaching staff? Let the head coach hire them; Snow had a busy summer planned.

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Surely something else must have happened under the watch of Garth Shameful. Well sure. There were three contract matters that were all astounding in their own unique way.

The first amazing event was going to arbitration and offering a pay cut to a player, Calvin De Haan. Personally I feel that De Haan is overrated, but that's a blog for a different day. Even if overrated, a pay cut? Imagine if you went to work and were offered a pay cut? What would you do? Well, if you're #IslesKoolAid you'd go to your desk and hope for the best. Any other sane and rational person would start the new job hunt.

https://www.lighthousehockey.com/2017/8/2/16083096/calvin-de-haan-new-york-islanders-arbitration-contract

The next event in the Summer of Garth was equally amazing. Russian goaltender and overhyped Islanders prospect Ilya Sorokin attended an Islanders prospect camp, looked around at the talent Garth Lumpy had assembled, and then signed a 4 year deal to stay in Russia. He looked at a KHL team that may go down in a plane crash, and said "this has more potential than what Garth Flatulent has put together."

But the most amazing part of the Summer of Garth Obeseaurus was one that was so astonishing that I couldn't even believe it, despite my disdain for the unmotivated planet smasher. Garth Rectum failed to make franchise star and pending unrestricted free agent John Tavares a contract offer.

This is the greatest disturbance in the Force that any Islander fan can imagine. And really, there is no reason for it. Maybe the Islanders leadership was busy preparing the request for proposal at Belmont, but that has nothing to do with Garth Taint. Let us look at his August calendar again to see what tied him up.

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No, Garth KrispyKreme sat around all summer sitting in his meditation chamber and pondering about the 8 year offer that he's going to present to Biggs Darklighter. But not address the absolute most important piece of the franchise. He ran his Star Destroyer into the Death Star II, with the same results.

And to help start the regular season? After Head Coach Doug Weight declares that this will be a team where veterans will not be guaranteed spots, the opening night scratches were 3 guys with a less than 80 games of NHL experience combined: smooth skating forward Joshua Ho Sang, top defensive prospective Ryan Pulock, and Worlds Oldest Living Rookie Scott Mayfield. Apparently Garth Snackus had told Coach Weight that he found his lack of faith in the veterans disturbing, and made Weight watch Snow choke on a ham sandwich.

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Maybe Snow is trying to put a team back into Quebec?

And after being shut out on opening night? Guess who was benched for the home opener? Offensive defenseman Ryan Pulock, scratched. And game 3 scratches? You guessed it- Pulock.

Long story short, the three team building rookies watched opening night in person, like any fan did in the arena in Columbus. Or like many partygoers did in Jabba the Hutt's den, overlooking the Rancor's lair while the Max Rebo Band plays and the Rancor reads the book, "the Garth Ravenous Diet Plan."

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So yet again, Garth MostNonNonHeinous is setting the Islanders and their fans up for another season of more of the same. However, he may have one saving grace. Any Islanders fan- Kool Aid or Realist- should be supportive of what John Tavares has done for the franchise, including his single handed effort to give the team its first playoff series win in 23 years. So consider Snow's bungling akin to when Darth Vader lifted Darth Sidious over his head and threw him into a reactor. Garth Brainless may have done what he needed to free Tavares from the pain and suffering that is the Islanders and allow him to have some peace and victories elsewhere. I wouldn't be shocked at all if Tavares's hockey stick turns green this year.


The worst part of that redemption thing is that Vader turned into...Anakin Skywalker. Who ranks with Plo Koon and Kit Fisto as among the worst Jedi ever. Can't even win for losing. Anakin Skywalker flat out sucks. As does our version, Anacan't Snowblower.

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What's your thoughts for the most appropriate Garth title? Do you have your own better offering? Let it be known!

Feel free to replay here, or contact our team at @SportsOnTheGo1 on Twitter, or the author at @JoshBarely.